I have had a lot going on....so we will start here.
I joined a new gym to try out only for a temporary basis because it is so expensive that I don't know if I feel comfortable paying almost $100 a month for the membership. Don't get me wrong I am pushed passed my comfort zone and I have accomplished more in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 1.5yrs of weight lifting. We will see how long I stay but right now I am thoroughly enjoying the PR'S. To add it is a crossfit gym and I am really enjoying the personal training I am getting versus me looking up workouts and only having my own judgment on if I'm doing them right or not.
Last week my mother died.
If you are a new reader then you don't know that I was disowned over 3.5yrs ago as of the last week of August.
She abused prescription drugs and was a closet drinker. She has threatened to kill me when she got too high and also blamed my father's death (January 2010) on me. Though he had a heart attack and I hadn't seen him for 6months prior to his death, in her mind she blamed me for it. They were both into drugs, drank, were verbally abusive, smoked cigarettes among other things, and just were never really parents to my sister and I.
My mother and sister disowned me the following August because I stood up to my mom for the first time in my life and told her she needed to go to rehab because I was tired of watching her kill herself.
I tried to make amends with her several times after she disowned me with no luck.
Fast forward to last week and I found out through an aunt and a cousin who live in a different state whom I haven't talked to either in over 10yrs that my mom had died.
I was immediately angry.
Angry that my sister didn't tell me.
Angry that she wanted to keep it from me.
Angry because I found out that my mom had lung cancer, made her funeral arrangements ahead of time, and ended up in a hospice hospital after an extended stay in a regular hospital.
Isn't that some shit?
How rude, disrespectful, insincere, and selfish of them.
I mean you know you are going to die soon and you don't even try to make amends with your daughter?
I don't know how to feel other than anger.
I have no regrets.
When my dad died I had tons of regrets and I grieved for 2 long weeks.
I couldn't eat, or work, go in public, bathe, I had nightmares so I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function, I just existed for those 2 weeks.
I went to her funeral last week. My sister and her boyfriend kept giving me the stink eye. I know they didn't want me to be there but out of respect and just so I wouldn't live with any regrets I went.
Even with my emotions for my mom's death I have still made the effort to workout.
Unfortunately I have been emotionally eaten and most of my clothes fit really snug so I have had to deal with being extremely uncomfortable in my skin again as well as in all of my clothes.
My child has even go so far as to slap my stomach and laugh. Thanks a lot Chloe. I know she means no harm but it hurts my feelings that I have that much jiggle goin on.
I finished my first 5k of the new year last Saturday. With absolutely no training I placed 3rd in my age group and it was my first race in the rain! I'm so glad I placed because if I didnt I wouldn't have gotten a medal.
All that may not seem like a lot to some but in my world it's a lot more than I'm used to.
Hopefully the next few weeks can simmer down and I can get the extra-extra weight off.
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