I have been thinking a lot lately about my past with running. I don’t think I have talked about it here. If I have then just deal with it…jk..but really.
The earliest memory I havewas when I was in I believe the 6th grade?!? I went to a small school and everyone HAD to be on the track team. I was the smart, fat kid who despised any and all things that made me sweat or move quickly but the school had a policy that every kid had to be involved in almost all sports/activities unless a doctor said otherwise unfortunately I couldn’t find a doctor who would write me a note to be excused due to laziness. I thankfullyhave no photography evidence to my horrible track days but I do remember always….ALWAYS being last and getting that stupid ribbon for just participating. My name was never in the paper like the other kids because basically I was just at the track meets so that no one had to “babysit” me at the school. I remember the cool kids who now are crack heads or aren’t amounting to much in their lives! GO KARMA!! would laugh at me and point every time I would run. I thought about this on my run Sunday about how far I have come and how much more I want to accomplish. I haven’t really kept up with many of the cool kids in grade school and actually have no desire to catch up in the future.
I’m not trying to say that I want to be better than anyone what I’m saying is that I overcame a pretty bad childhood(read:drug using, alcholics, who verbally abused me)and an even worst school days…I was picked on constantly from my hair to my clothes to my weight to my personality. I had to change schools in the 5th grade because I got bullied so bad. And the school I went to after that(read: the above school mentioned) wasn’t that much better. I gained a lot of weight from 5th grade to 8th grade and it was mainly because I was surrounded by all these pretty, skinny girls who were so good at everything. Those girls exercised constantly and all I did was eat, watch tv, and sleep. I can actually remember one of those girls in 6th grade telling me that she did 100 crunches a day so that she would have a flat stomach. I believed her then but now that I’m a much wiser adult I do not believe her, I believe that her parents fed her healthy foods and that her parents monitored her food intake on top of being athletic unlike my parents.
Growing up and even into adulthood I never felt good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, or smart enough okay the last one is a lie I was really smart. At the race Saturday even though I was a little irritated that my time was a little longer than my normal time (read: before the sprain) I still got first place and have ran 4 races, and well over 200 miles in the last year. I have lost 80-ish pounds (probably more like 70lbs now) even though I don’t know how much I have gained back, I know I can’t blame it on muscle, and refuse to look at the number on the scale. I know I’m strong enough, and good enough. I’m slowly working on the pretty enough and body image.
I ran if you want to call it that from 5th to 8th grade and that was it until last year. I always drove passed people who ran or were on a bicycle and I just knew they were training for something. I always looked at them in awe and wanted to be like them and now I am like them!
I know this post is all over the place and I know that I constantly change my goals and my weight is up right now.. But I’m still here writing this blog to try and help others to believe in themselves. I finally believe in myself as far as my running goes and I want others to believe they can accomplish SOMETHING! Even if its just one thing!!!!! J
Someday I will love myself and see myself in a better light until then I will love my passion and success with running.
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